So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
