I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He did a backflip because drugs
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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