sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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