My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
