My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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