Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
