Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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