He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
