Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
