I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
