I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
