Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
