I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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