You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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