Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
