My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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