I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
