he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
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suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
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Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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