saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I AM VODKA MAN
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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