You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
