My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
