Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
