All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
