i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
