I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
