Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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