My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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