Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
