I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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