okay pat passed out under dana's car
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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