I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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