The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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