Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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