When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
