she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
