Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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