the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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