Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
