I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
