I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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