I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
