Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
