...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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