i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
