she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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