you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
