next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
