Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
