I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
