Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
