Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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