woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
