Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
