I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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