Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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