You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
