Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
