so explain again why im purple
no
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
