Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
