Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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